GameDiscs
by Silvershadowfire
Summary: Co-written by Cha Oseye Tempest Thrain and I. This is DiscworldYuGiOh crossover. What happens when a Shadow Game runs into a million to one chance? Ronnie Soak and insanity ensue. Please R&R. Ideas cheerfully accepted!
1. A One in a Million Chance

This is a co-written work by Silvershadowfire and Cha Oseye Tempest Thrain. Thank you Brad S. for the maps. 

For those of you are unfamiliar with Discworld, please remember to read the footnotes at the end (Sorry, we know it's not the easiest format for it, but…) please. It's worth it. Trust us. *smiles*

DISCLAIMER: We do not own ANY of these characters. All characters from YuGiOh belong to Kazuki Takahashi-sensei; all Discworld characters belong to the inestimable Terry Pratchett. And if either of these authors ever read this, please remember that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. We love you.

The insanity resulting from the mix of these characters is all ours, however. For any insanity in the characters themselves, please see above.

Note: We know that the Discworld natives would actually be speaking Morporkian (or Djellibabian, or Lancrastian, ect) but we wanted to give the YuGiOh cast a _chance _to understand them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GameDiscs - Chapter 1

Motou Yugi and his friends stared down the latest miscreant after the power of the Millennium Puzzle. Behind the man - who identified himself as The Grey Hand - a group of faceless figures in plain grey robes had arrayed themselves to watch the duel. Of course, as soon as they appeared they had always been there. 

"I have the greatest deck ever known to any duelist." the Grey Hand bragged. "No one can beat me! I am unstoppable!! I will take your Puzzle and your power!! You are nothing to me!!!!" [1]

Not waiting for the man to finish his ranting, Yugi called on the power of the Puzzle, transforming into the King of Games, Yami Yugi.

"To you, I am Death." Yami Yugi intoned. Perhaps not the best words to be spoken in a Shadow Game; however, given a conjunction of elements leading to a one-in-a-million chance, they were quite possibly the most eventful.

The Shadow Realm is a place where creatures of great power and danger live. For Yami Yugi, it was quite nearly a second home, and a source of his personal power; but in three thousand years he'd never seen anything like this.

A small hole opened in front of him, just a pinprick of light at first, which widened into a swirling vortex of light. Too late he felt himself get sucked into it. 

Then everything went black.

********** ************* 

"It doesn't look like him." Archchancellor Ridicully reached forward with his staff, poking the thing that lay in the centre of the magic circle. It was the right colour - black - but the one they had been trying for was not known for leather and spikes. 

Runes of every species marked the area around the thing, because if there's one thing wizards like more than big dribbly candles it's a magic circle with runes. And since the only thing wizards can agree on is that they disagree[2], there was be necessity every rune every wizard could think of, _just in case somebody got upset_. By nature, Ridicully disliked wizardly circles,[3] but it was generally agreed when attempting to summon what they were summoning, no precaution was too small.

"Maybe the egg wasn't quite fresh enough." Ponder Stibbons regretted the words as soon as he spoke. The very _possibility _that something could have gone wrong meant that what they had here was probably worse than what they'd been after in the first place. Though, most extremely dangerous things did not manifest themselves as small, spiky haired boys. 

"I don't see why we couldn't have used the 2cc's of mouse blood. _That_ one always gets Him." An extremely large (even by wizard standards) wizard stamped his foot and pouted, causing a minor tremor that threatened to knock some of the candles out of their perches on the wall. 

"Because, Dean." Ridicully's voice carried every bit of patience he had, which was not to say much, "Every time we do, we get the _other_ one. The short chap with the nose and the sharp teeth."

"Oh right. Him." This from the Senior Wrangler. This ritual always made him nervous, even when it worked. _Especially_ when it worked, considering what it was supposed to do. 

"Hmn." I wonder what it is then." 

*************

'Oh dear.' Yugi opened his eyes and didn't like what he saw. He was lying in a strange room lit by candles,[4] surrounding by a bunch of fat old men in beards who seemed to be in the midst of an intense argument. They all wore pointy hats and were dressed in - for lack of a better description - robes. These weren't the elegant white robes of Yami Yugi's Pharaohnic past, but rather looked as though they'd been dipped in glue, then set nearby an exploding glitter factory. That also manufactured feathers. Even Marik at his most insane didn't dress _this_ garishly. Each also held a long staff with a knob on the end.

To make things even more bizarre, they seemed to be speaking a dialect of English, with an accent similar to Ryou's, but so quickly that the words sounded like nonsense.

"Um. Excuse me." he tried in slow English. This proved to be a mistake. Instantly a dozen faces turned his way, their expressions saying that if he twitched wrong he'd discover what a moth in a candle felt like.[5] Instinctively he gripped the Puzzle that still hung around his neck. 

********************************

"It doesn't seem dangerous, Archchancellor." 

"Polite, though." 

"Hah!" The Dean exclaimed. "That's how they do things. Get you thinking that they're nice and polite and harmless, and then they make their play. _Bang_. You lose." Which was, had he but known it, a good description of Yugi's duelling style.

"A little bit skinny, don't you think?"

"Skinny? He's skin and bones, this one. Not just all bones." 

"Voice is a little squeaky too. Certainly not what _he_ sounds like."

"You don't think he's gotten himself another apprentice, do you? Someone to do fill-ins while he's on vacations?"

"Looks a bit young, though. Can't be much more than twelve, can he?"

*********************

Yugi missed most of the dialogue, but he caught the number at the end of the last sentence. He sighed. The problem with being short is that everyone thinks you're still a kid, the 16 year old thought gloomily. Would these people ever stop speaking long enough to let him get a word in edgewise?

"I think he's trying to speak." One of the only two skinny men in the room spoke, being ignored by all the fat men. Yugi turned to him, hoping maybe this person might be willing to listen. 

The man pulled a book out from inside his robes and flipped through it, glancing up at Yugi every once in a while. Yugi tried his most harmless smile.

"Oh, Gods, you don't think it eats people, do you?" This phrase caused a mass panic among the fat men, who all attempted to back towards the door at the same moment, causing quite a large collision. That was enough for Yugi.

:Mou hitori no boku?: he called to Yami. No one answered, and he started to panic. :Yami? Can you hear me?:

Still nothing. He didn't feel the sort of wrenching loss that meant his yami was dead, but the feel of the link was…stretched. As though Yami was a long way away.

Suddenly he realized that the skinny man was addressing him in slow, clear English.

"Gomen, mo ichi do?" The Japanese escaped before Yugi could form the phrase in English.

**************************

"What did it say?"

"It sounded something like the speech of the Agetean Empire, Archchancellor." 

"Really?" Ridicully blinked. Non-existent albatrosses he knew of but… "I didn't know they had their own version…do we know anyone who speaks Agetean?"

"I think the Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography does, Archchancellor." 

"Jolly good. Run along and fetch him, will you?" 

_Cruel and Unusual Geography?_ These words were slow enough for Yugi to understand, as though the speaker were reluctant to mention them. What was he talking about? The only piece of Cruel and Unusual Geography he knew of was Giant Soldier of Stone. Surely _that_ couldn't be it.[6]

A ruckus at the doorway caught Yugi's attention. A skinny man was literally being dragged across the floor towards the circle where Yugi sat. The man was tall and skinny, with a scraggly beard. He was dressed in tattered, worn red robes that moulted sequins as he moved. He resembled nothing so much as a moth-eaten flamingo in a room full of peacocks. A very _nervous_ moth-eaten flamingo upon whose head perched a flimsy pointy hat with the word 'Wizzard'[7] written on it in silver sequins. 

Evidently this was supposed to be a translator, for after a quick consultation with the newcomer, he turned to look at Yugi. 

"Hello." he said in heavy, oddly accented Japanese as if the speaker was more familiar with some strange offshoot of Mandarin. 

"Hi!" Yugi waved his hand and nearly the entire company of old men jumped backwards, leaving the evident leader of the men, the translator and the skinny one with the book alone by the circle. 

"He's gesturing! He's going to cast a spell!" As one the other men fled from the room.

"I'm Rincewind." the translator introduced himself. "This is the Archchancellor Ridicully of the Unseen University. We are wizards."

"What are you?"

"My name is Motou Yugi." Rising slowly, he bowed.

Ridicully looked over at Rincewind, an expression of sudden insight crossing his features. "You don't suppose it could be a student, do you? I've heard we have a few running around the place. This is a university, after all."

"He's not wearing a student's robe, Archchancellor." 

"They do dress in strange fashions, you know." Ridicully tended to hang onto an idea once he grabbed hold of it, rather like a limpet. Men had gone mad trying to drag them away from him.

Yugi tried his best to follow the conversation, but was distracted when the pack of strange old men (wizards?) ran back into the room, followed by a skinny man and a large trunk moving on hundreds of little legs. 

Finally something familiar in this strange place. Yugi focused on the ambulatory luggage - he was almost sure it was one of the Duelmonsters. The wizards (again excepting the two still by the circle and the skinny one who'd just wandered in) were all attempting to fit in one corner of the room, or in the rafters in some cases. Impossibly, the fattest of them balanced on a tiny wooden shelf in a small space right next to the ceiling. 

The skinny man strolled up to the circle, moving with a strange, rolling gait. He wore what could have been a menacing scowl -- were it not on the face of one of the most obviously harmless people in the multiverse -- squinting at Yugi as he stalked forward. 

"You new here in town, stranger?" The drawl, too, seemed a little strange, coming as it did from such a skinny, frail, old man.

_I didn't know they made Spaghetti Westerns in England_. Thought Yugi. Provided, of course, that he actually _was_ in England, as opposed to America (but that didn't work either, so far nobody had pointed a gun at him). It couldn't be Canada - the people here weren't strange enough.

"There ain't room in this town for the both of us," the old man continued.

Yugi was about to take the opportunity to ask precisely which town he was in when Archchancellor stepped in.

"Come on, Bursar." He gently dragged the newest man away from the circle, much to Yugi's relief. He addressed the group at large. "Will someone please take the Bursar away for some dried frog and a lie down? He's definitely channelling again."

There was a rush of volunteers to do so, and presumably escape.

"I wonder what he meant by that," Ridicully asked no one in particular, "This town is big enough for trolls, humans, dwarves, gnolls, golems, gnomes, vampires, werewolves…"

"Um, I don't think that was what he meant, Archchancellor." The one with the book (who hadn't yet been introduced, but still split his time between the book and Yugi). "I think…"

"I mean, how could it not be big enough for a wizard and a demon?" Ridicully paused for a moment, "Especially the Bursar and this one. Surely they can't take up that much room…"[8] 

Ponder sighed. Nothing in the book mentioned a polite demon that manifested itself as a small boy, no matter how bizarrely dressed, which was frustrating in the extreme. Despite all his experience to the contrary, Ponder still believed that the answers to the universe can be found either with experimentation or in a book.[9] 

The boy-shaped creature was communicating with Rincewind, at least. Ponder walked over to join the other two wizards. Now that there seemed to be no immediate danger, he had a few questions of his own.

"Has it told you anything?" Ponder asked Rincewind.

"He says his names Motou Yugi, from someplace called 'Japan.' 

Ponder hurriedly pulled another book out of his robes and leafed frantically through it. "There appears to be no such place on the Disc, Archchancellor." 

"Could it be somewhere in Fourecks?" 

"Nope." Rincewind shook his head. If there was one thing he knew intimately, it was the Last Continent. He remembered a lot of dust, and sheep[10] but no place called Japan. 

The boy-demon babbled something else in his language. 

"He wants to know if we have something called 'Yami.'" 

"Isn't that a kind of root vegetable?" Ridicully tapped his staff against the floor. "Perhaps it's hungry." He walked to the door and grabbed a passer-by. "Tell the kitchen to bring down some yams, will you?"

"Ook?" The passerby in this case happened to be the Librarian, who thanks to a magical accident was a large orangutan. He had since resisted all attempts to change him back.

"I don't care if its inconvenient, old chap. I need yams."

The Librarian sighed as he ambled off. He had no idea what the Archchancellor wanted yams for, but he hoped it was something painful.

Yugi wanted to sit the middle of the circle and cry. He was trapped with a bunch of insane people in the middle of a crazy place and his Yami was no where to be found. 

And what had happened to everyone else?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Footnotes:

[1] Four exclamation marks. Definitely a sign of an unstable mind.

[2] Of course, if you said that to the wizards, they would tell you that wasn't the case at all.

[3] Unfortunately, due to his position as Archchancellor of the Unseen University, he was forced to travel in them extensively.

[4] Dribbly.

[5] Dribbly or not.

[6] No it wasn't. Of the trolls, only Chrysoprase was renowned for his unusual cruelty. And no one _dared_ refer to him as a mere 'soldier'.

[7] Spelling on the Disc tended to be very individualistic.

[8] Ridicully had serious problems letting go of ideas once he'd grasped them.

[9] This is a delusion shared by many people who spend too much time in institutes of higher learning.

[10] And spiders. 


	2. The Insanity Continues

We're BACK! With yet another episode of YuGiOh characters in the wonderful world of the Disc! Thanks for the encouraging reviews.

At least half the blame…err credit…for this fanfic belongs to Cha Oseye Tempest Thrain, my co-author.

NOTE: Please remember to read the footnotes!

DISCLAIMER: See chapter 1

On with the show…

Chapter 2 The Insanity Continues

Why am I so cold? And why does my head hurt?

Jounouchi Katsuya opened his amber eyes slowly, and found himself staring at some oddly-shaped paving stones. He blinked, realizing he could feel all too much of the surface he lay on. Goosebumps ran over his exposed anatomy.

_What the hell?_ Even in his mind, it came out as puzzled whimper. _They took my boxers; my Duel Disk; and MY DECK!_

Indeed, all he possessed now was a single small piece of paper, written in English.

__

"**Official Receipt from Thieves Guild, Ankh-Morpork.**

Please keep as proof of one (1) minor theft… 

_MINOR theft! They took my deck! [1]_

**In the event of a further attempt, please present receipt. Good until Hogswatchnight.**

Several years had been written in, and subsequently crossed out. Jounouchi stared at the paper, unable to believe it. _They robbed me, and they gave me a _receipt? _What kind of a place _is _this?_ No way he, or anyone he knew would be so stupid as to _prove_ they robbed somebody.

"Excuse me…"

Jounouchi spun around, careful to remain seated and keep certain things shielded. This receipt wasn't big enough to help in that area.

A small man, dressed in armour and a leather skirt stood on the cobbles at the entrance to the alley, a look of concern on his face. The badge clearly displayed on his shirt caught Jounouchi's full attention.

He sprang to his feet, ready to protest. Before he could speak, however, the newcomer continued.

"Have you heard the Glorious Word of Om?"

"Oro?"

"Om." The man gave a small smile, holding out a handful of paper.

"Constable Visit."[2] A very large man filled the entrance to the alley, to the point where he seemed to be blocking out the sunlight. Besides his sheer size, the first thing Jounouchi noticed was the bright red hair and genial smile. "I don't think the young gentleman is quite in need of religious instruction at this time." His eyes flickered down to what Jounouchi was - or rather, wasn't - wearing. "Though perhaps a couple pamphlets may come in handy."

Visit handed over some reams of paper with a look of near insane eagerness on his face.[3] Jounouchi wrapped the sheets around his waist, finding some large enough to wrap around his waist twice.

"Do you need an escort home?" the large red-head asked, in a tone of polite concern. Luckily, hanging with Ryou Bakura had improved Jounouchi's English skills to the point where he thought he could make himself understood.

"Um…I not have house do…" _Damnit, why couldn't he have landed somewhere else? _He tried again. "Watashi no haha desu ne…"

"Aa." the redheaded man said, then continued in perfect, unaccented Japanese. "Hello, I am Captain Carrot of the Anhk-Morpork City Watch. Do you need an escort home?"[4]

"Ummm." Depended on what this man meant by 'escort'. He was, after all, wearing a skirt.[5] Finally he decided on the truth. "I don't know where I am, sir. Where, exactly is 'Ankh-Morpork'?"

Carrot pulled out a map. "We are right about here." he said, smoothing out the creases and pointing to a tiny drawn city, considerably larger than all the other cities, nearly central on a circular map which did NOT resemble any part of Earth the teenager had ever seen. "Now, where do you live?"

"Oh, Kami-sama." Jounouchi breathed. Nothing about this map made sense - especially not the large turtle drawn underneath it. "Umm…I don't know. I just woke up here, without my deck or my clothes; all I had was this." He held out the receipt from the Thieves Guild.

"I see. Well, we'll just have to take you to the Watch House, I think, and get this sorted out." Carrot folded up the map neatly and tucked it away. Hopefully this wasn't the opposite of what had happened to Mr. Hong.[6]

Lacking any further options, Jounouchi follow Carrot out of the alley and into the bustling streets of Anhk-Morpork. It was a good thing his jaw was attached, or he would have lost it in the first few moments.

_Did I travel back in time?_ Here were no cars. The streets instead were filled with animal-drawn carts and the results thereof. People - if one used the term loosely[7] - thronged on the streets. Humans argued with dwarves, who swung axes at ambulatory rocks[8], who swung clubs back at them.

Before he knew it, Jounouchi found himself walking into a large gated building, filled with people in the same uniform as his two companions. This was definitely a police station, a place that Jounouchi usually tried to avoid. There was nothing else the building could be, stocked as it was with desks, well-armed people and mountains of paperwork. Instinctively he dropped his shoulders and walked more slowly, trying to not draw any attention his way. A number of those same rock-people (though the smart part of his mind told him to never use that term out loud) were here, some in uniform and others in chains. One even had a peculiar device attached to one foot.

_Even I know better than to mess with those guys._ He didn't think even Seto would be stupid enough to do that.

"Perhaps we should get you some clothes first." Carrot said cheerfully, as though naked people popped up on his watch every day. [9]

He looked around and went to a locker, pulling out a pair of loose pants and a shirt. Taking them gratefully, Jounouchi looked for someplace to dress.

"Der locker room is over dere next to der privy." A rock-man spoke in Jounouchi's ear, scaring the teen out of a year's worth of growth.

Carrot nodded. "Thank you, Corporal Detritus. I think he'll be needing the latter one now."

Nodding nervously, Jounouchi ran for it.

He emerged a few minutes later, reflecting that these people could use some lessons in indoor plumbing. Carrot was waiting for him, no signs of impatience on his broad, simple face. Turning, he led the teenager up a set of narrow stairs (which creaked dangerously under the officer's weight). Reaching a door, the large man knocked politely.

"Come in, Carrot." Possibly the most stone-faced obviously disgruntled person Jounouchi had ever seen in his life (with the possible exception of Ushio the hall monitor) sat behind a desk piled higher with paperwork than Jounouchi would have thought possible. The man did not look happy to see him - but then again, he did not look as though he had ever been happy to see anyone, ever. He looked tired; he looked frustrated, and he looked badly in need of a drink. His clothes looked as though they had been slept in several times.[10]

"Who's this?" the man grunted.

"His name is Jounouchi Katsuya, Mister Vimes." That made Jounouchi look at the giant man in surprise. He was sure he'd never mentioned his name.

"Captain," Vimes sounded even wearier than he looked. "Is there anyone you DON'T know?"

"Sir?" Carrot stared at Vimes blankly, as though he didn't understand the question.

"Never mind, Carrot. What is he doing in my office?"

"He's not from around here, sir."

"Most people aren't, Carrot. That's why this is the fastest growing city on the Disc."

_Disc? Is that the name of the continent…_ he remembered the odd-looking map, …_or the world?_

The second, smarter part of his mind decided on which. _Oh, dear…_

"So where are you from, kid?" Vimes asked.

"He doesn't speak Morporkian, sir." Carrot noted.

Vimes groaned and dropped his head to his desk. "Let me guess, Captain…you do speak his language."

"How did you know, sir?"

Vimes sighed, raising his head to regard the captain. Five minutes with anyone and Carrot knew them better than their best friend. Funny how the man never seemed to recognize his own talent. "Never mind, Captain. Just ask him where he's from."

Jounouchi had been following the conversation well enough. He couldn't speak the language, but he could understand it, even with the accent.

"I'm from Japan, sir. Domino City." Carrot duly translated this.

"Not again." Vimes groaned. More weird shit happened in Ankh-Morpork on the average day…why couldn't some of it happen in Tsort, or Genua? And why did it ALWAYS have to happen on his watch?

"Because you don't tend to take vacations, sir?"

Vimes growled. There were times when his second-in-command read him all too well.

Voices drifted up from downstairs. "'Ere, Nobby, what's that?"

"I dunno, some kind of picture cards. Seem a bit strange, though. Look, here's one with a troll on it."

Jounouchi's head whipped around. "My deck!" He went to run from the room, but Carrot's hand on his collar restrained him. The effect was akin to running full tilt and running out of leash.

"Deck?" Carrot inquired.

"Deck?" This one from Vimes. He leaned forward on his desk, suddenly interested. "What kind of 'deck' are we talking about here, kid?"

"My Magic and Wizards deck!" Jounouchi exclaimed, trying vainly to pull himself out of Carrot's stone-like grip.

There was a crack as Vimes' hand closed around a mug and crushed it. "Magic…and Wizards?" It sounded as though the words were anathema to the commander. Actually, Vimes had very little problem with wizards. They didn't commit crimes that fell under his jurisdiction. However, he did have a problem with amateurs running around playing with magic. The results tended to upset the Patrician, which then usually turned into trouble for Vimes.

Survival skills learned on the streets suddenly kicked in. "It's a game." Jounouchi explained quickly. "A card game me and my pals play."

Vimes' survival skill also came from the streets. He spread his hands in a mute signal for Jounouchi to elaborate.

Slowly, through Carrot, the entire story came out. "I see." said Vimes. "Captain, will you please go down and reclaim this young man's 'deck' from Nobby. Inform the corporal that we are not all that interested in how he got it, and could he please see me later." Nobby of all people should have known better than to bring obviously occult items into Vimes' proximity.

Jounouchi would have flown down the stairs, save for the grip Carrot maintained around his collar, forcing him to maintain a leisurely pace. "I apologize, Jounouchi-san. But if you break your neck, Captain Vimes will have my head," _And Igor will have yours_ Carrot added silently, not wishing to frighten the boy any more than necessary. Igors, while possibly the best surgeons on the entire Disc, tended to take very seriously the motto 'Physician, heal thyself.'[12]

When they reached the base of the stairs Carrot released him, Jounouchi made to run for his deck, then realized he had no idea who Nobby Nobbs was; a quick glance around the room revealed no one holding his cards.

"Look at this one, Fred." the voice said. "It's a half-naked lady with wings!"

Okay, that was enough. No one was allowed to touch Mai's Harpy Lady card except Jounouchi himself. The voice came from behind the main desk, an area occupied mainly by a very round officer. Further examination revealed a small…per…no… mon…no…Thing would do. At any rate, it was holding HIS DECK! It was almost FONDLING it… More than enough for the teenager to see red.

He strode over to the round officer and the thing at his side. "GIVE ME THOSE!" he hollered, not caring that they couldn't understand the words. He grabbed the cards from the creature's hand, his skin crawling. He got a better look at the thing and for a moment wondered…_do I really want them…yes! _Even this boil-covered, pockmarked greasy dwarf[13] was not enough to separate him from his cards.

Mission accomplished, he stalked away into the streets. Only now did it occur to him to wonder what had happened to the others.

Another part of his anatomy spoke up. It had been at least two hours since he had last eaten, and his stomach decided this was unacceptable. There was no duel here; how dare he ignore something so important as food.

Suddenly he was aware of a presence beside him. "Can I interest you in a sausage inna bun? Dibbler's the name, Purveyor of finest quality goods." The scent that rose from this ferret-faced man's cart worked its magic on Jounouchi. He knew the smell of hot dogs a mile away. Sticking his hands in the pockets of the borrowed pants, he discovered a few coins in the bottom.

"Sure." Jounouchi pulled a coin at random out and handed it to the man.

"Well, it's cutting me own throat at that price, but I think I can accommodate you." With a flourish, he swept a bun in one hand and dropped the sausage in with the other. "Now, what'll it be? Relish, mustard, onions, mayonnaise, ketchup? Mushrooms, peppers? "

"Hai."

After Dibbler loaded up the bun, Jounouchi accepted it and took a small bite. Something seemed to be missing, but he wasn't sure what.

"Got anything else?" he managed to ask.

"AH! I can see that you are a discerning customer. I believe I have just the thing right here." Reverently, he lifted the lid to a new tray, revealing a heavily reinforced compartment. Nestled inside, in a deep bed of crushed ice, lay a small bottle. Many members of the growing crowd drew back with a gasp. The potency of Wow-Wow Sauce was not to be underestimated.

Unfortunately, Jounouchi had no way of knowing that the recipe consisted of mature scumble, pickled cucumbers, capers, mustard, mangoes, figs, grated wahooni, anchovy essence, asafoetida, and finishing off with sulphur and saltpetre. All he knew was that it definitely looked interesting. The perfect English phrase popped into his head. "Pour it on, Pops."

An even dozen sausage inna buns later, the crowd had grown to near riot proportions. Ankh-Morpork residents loved their street theatre, especially if it included the possibility of someone dying. Numerous side bets had been taken and lost regarding at which point Jounouchi would collapse. Even Dibbler seemed overly shocked - he'd forgotten to charge for the last three.

"Thanks, Pops. That was pretty good." Four people in the crowd fainted dead away.

Everyone tensed as Jounouchi patted his stomach, then ducked as he let loose with a loud burp. A murmur arose as they realized he was still standing. He didn't hear what they said, but wondered what it was that made a man eating a hot-dog so interesting.

Footnotes

[1] Jounouchi's priorities were not exactly the same as most people's

[2] His full name is Visit-The-Infidel-With-Explanatory-Pamphlets, but everyone called him simply 'Visit', or occasionally 'Washpot'.

[3] Few people stayed around after hearing the word Om, never mind actually took pamphlets

[4] It should be noted that Carrot had never spoken Japanese before.

[5] Fortunately for Jounouchi, this was not the Street of Negotiable Affection.

[6] The mystery of the disappearance of Mr. Hong was one of the Discworld's most enduring enigmas. No one knows precisely what happened after he opened the Three Jolly Luck Takeaway Fish Bar on the site of the old Temple of the Fish-God on Dagon Street on the night of lunar eclipse.

[7] Racism wasn't much of a problem on the Disc, as speciesism was so much more interesting.

[8] _Wow! Giant Soldier of Stone come to life!_

[9] Well, not every day. But close enough.

[10] What Jounouchi didn't know was that he was staring at the richest man on the Disc. Why the incredibly wealthy Lady Sybil had ever married (The now [10]) His Grace Sir Commander Samuel Vimes was another question no one had ever been able to answer

[11] Lord Ventiari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, had a very simple method of punishing Vimes. He promoted him.

[12] Though in the Igor lexicon, it sometimes read 'heel'.

[13] Actually, Nobby had a chit from the Patrician declaring that he was indeed a human. Six foot by six foot Carrot was the dwarf.


	3. Black Hat and Tails

Disclaimer: The Yugioh characters belong to Takahashi-sensei, and the Discworld characters to the incomparable Terry Pratchett. We have merely borrowed them for the moment.

Author's note: Sorry about the delay on this folks, that is entirely due to the 'efforts' of co-writer Cha Oseye Tempest Thrain (**hey. Forty hour work week, karate, sleep, plus the fact I've got four stories on the go at once (including that one turning into one giant freakin' novel), what do you think my name is? Peter David?**) and the fact that she could procrastinate for the Olympics. Also, any mistakes in monster names and powers are the fault of Silvershadowfire. Now that blame is cast, on with the story.

Black Hat and Tails

Seto awoke to the smell of… smell of things that weren't exactly familiar. Something cold and sticky lay against his cheek and a freezing wind worked its way up his coat to places he'd rather it not be cozy with. _If this is still the Shadowrealm, someone is in very big trouble._ A second thought occurred to him, right on the heels of the first. _Mokuba?!_

He opened his eyes, finding himself face to face with a rock, which wisely decided to get out of his way. Scrambling to his feet, he attempted to get his bearings.

_Forest. Check. Rocks. Check. Cliffs: steep. Check._ Reaching into his coat pocket he pulled out a sophisticated GPS scanner.

MALFUNCTION! MALFUNCTION! MALFUNCTION! Followed a second later by HELP!

Help? That wasn't a readout this thing was supposed to give. And what was that about a malfunction? He'd designed the device to be able to find its way out of the Shadowrealm, if necessary, _how_ could it be malfunctioning?

DON'T ASK ME THAT QUESTION AGAIN At this, the unit promptly went dead.

_I'm going to kill that useless Pharaoh twit for this_. It could _only_ be Atem's fault. If Seto ever got his hands on Yugi's other half again…

"…Gytha, you are a disgusting piece of baggage." Voices drifted up to him from around the trees.

"Sorry, Esme." The speaker didn't sound very sorry at all. She sounded drunk.

"I don't know why we have to come all this way up here just to…" This voice sounded younger, but with a tremolo behind it similar to Yugi's.

"I want to see what scared the Standing Stone so much that it's hiding out in my backyard, that's why." The first voice, the one you could break rocks over.

_Standing Stone? Hiding out?_ If this was someone's idea of a joke, Seto had something to say to them about it. Not something nice either. After all, he didn't become head of Kaiba Corp by letting people push him around. [1]

He rounded a corner, straight into three non-Japanese women heading the other way. All of them dressed in black and wearing hats that looked straight off of a child's witch costume. Except that these were no children. Two were old enough to be his grandmother: one which looked precisely like a prototypical grandmother – all round and smiles, and emanating enough alcohol to burn down a small city – and the other one… if Seto had had a grandmother, this might have been it. Tall, slender, with blue eyes staring out like chips of ice. The third was young and fat, fatter than Judge Man, if such a thing were even possible. A planetoid rather than a person, quite possibly.

Currently they were walking three abreast, effectively blocking the way. The skinny one walked ever so slightly in front of the other two, confirming her status as leader. [2]

Seto drew himself up to full height, putting him on par with the matriarch of the group. Shortly before they collided, both sides stopped.

Clearly the women seemed to be expecting him to step out of the way. They said nothing, just staring at him as though he should be well aware of such a thing. And while normally he would have no problem letting a group of obviously mentally disturbed people continue unbothered, today was not a good day.

"Get out of my way, old woman." He leaned close, just to make sure she got the message.

There was a rustle of shrubbery as Agnes and Nanny each dove to the sides, to take cover in the bushes. Only Granny remained unmoved, which was fine with her.

"Excuse me?"

What did this rustic _think_ he said? He was speaking English, wasn't he? "Get out of my way. Now."

The rustling grew louder as the other two worked to get deeper undercover. Something was going to blow here, and they didn't want to be around when it happened.

"Oh, _excuse_ me." Granny looked straight into his eyes, not giving an inch. The scorn in the second word could have done serious damage to the unprepared. "I should have known better than to get in the way of such an _obviously_ well dressed gentleman as yourself." Her tone clearly implied that expensive his clothes may be, but well suited to a trek in the thick woods they were not. And the way she said gentleman, put it on par – in her vocabulary – with the words 'useless, bloody tit'. "Tell me, how do you get your coat to stand up like that?"

_What?! _His eyes narrowed further. Nobody dissed the coat. "Are you stupid, old woman?"

The temperature dropped further, a difficult task in Lancre. "Does this hat mean anything to you?" Implicit in the tone were the words _silly boy_.

"Is it Halloween already?" asked Seto, with deceptive mildness.

Granny's eyes darkened. While Halloween wasn't a holiday practiced on the Disc, she had no difficulty figuring out the reference. "It means you might want to stand aside. Boy." This time she said it aloud.

Thunder rolled overhead, then realised it couldn't compete. Even the wisest of storms would wait until the drama below ended before moving in as an aftershow.

"I could buy you, sell you, and beat you in any way you might consider, _old witch_." [3] No way he was moving now, Kaiba Seto didn't back down from anything as simple as this.

Neither did Granny. "Oh? I reckon that could be considered a challenge, young man."

A distinct sound like somebody praying emanated from the bushes[4].

"Well, I _reckon_ it probably could." Swords could take lessons in sharpness from Seto's sarcasm.

Unless she was using it, Granny considered irony something to be found in nails. "What are you challenging me to, then? A battle of wits? A little short-handed, aren't you?"

Had they not been so focussed on each other, they would have noticed the trees themselves pulling back from the confrontation, until finally they created the perfect out-door duelling ring.

All right, this woman was going _down._ He chose the one thing he knew _no one_ could beat him at. [5] "I challenge you to a game of Duel Monsters."[6]

"How do you play that, then?" She asked it not as a curiosity, but almost as though it was a waste of her time.

Hardly surprising that this ignorant crone hadn't heard of the game. "It's simple." He smiled. [7] "We summon monsters and lay traps to destroy each others' life points."

"Oh. That game." Granny softened, slightly. "How about we play nice about it? First one to bleed, or beg for mercy loses."

Seto had no intention of begging for mercy. "Deal. Do you have a deck?"

"Deck?" Granny looked puzzled. "What do I need a deck for? This isn't anything like Cripple Mr. Onion is it?"

For the first time, Seto felt a glimmer of uncertainty. "I've never heard of that game. But how are you going to play Duel Monsters if you don't have a deck?"

"Well, I'll tell you what, young man. You go ahead and use your deck, and I'll play my way, how's that?"

Clearly the woman was senile, but Seto wasn't going to pass up a gift like this. The minute she saw even the first of his creatures, she'd be the one begging. "Deal. I'll go first."

He slapped his deck into the duel disk, a bit relieved when it set itself. After the incident with the GPS, he wasn't too sure that it would. He drew the first five cards. "I summon Ryu-Kishin Powered, in attack mode!"

..............................................................................................................................................

Greebo was annoyed. Not only had all the small creatures of the woods gone well to ground, but it seemed that all the local wolves were holding a convention. Somewhere on the far side of Copperhead Mountain. Not only that, but he'd just been trampled by a herd of fleeing grizzlies. He'd tossed one of them over a cliff, but that had done little to assuage his anger. Up ahead, a strange voice drifted from the trees.

Perfect. Someone new who hadn't heard of him. Nanny Ogg's cat was famous for miles, especially with the local fauna. _New_ people, however, there could be sport in that. He stalked forward, eyes fixed on the floating tail of a white trench-coat…

"I summon Ryu-Kishin Powered, in attack mode!"

Greebo took one look, saw Granny across the oddly new clearing, and stopped dead. He'd faced down bears, vampires, trolls, and elves, but there was no way he was going to argue with Granny when she was cross. While discretion may be the better part of valor, Greebo understood intimately that angry Granny was the better part of unspeakable horror. Better to leave and ensure that Tomorrow really was another day.

..........................................................................................................................................

Granny didn't even blink as a nine foot tall pink and blue creature exploded into the clearing. Long, _sharp_ claws extended from its fingertips as it stretched out its neck and growled at her, exposing rows of needle sharp teeth.

"Impressive."

"Thank you." Seto didn't allow his newfound worry to show on his face. He'd been expecting the usual hologram, but his creature was as real, more real, than it would be in the shadowrealm.[8] _Where _am_ I?_ On the other hand, philosophical questions just got in the way of the match. He selected a second card, laid it face down on the disk. "And that ends my turn."

"Hmn." Granny frowned, thinking. "I think I'll summon…" Her lips began to form a word, something that could easily handle a metal creature.

"Don't you _dare_, Esme." Dangerous as things were, _some_ things just weren't permissible in Nanny Ogg's books. "Our Jason is staying right where he is."

"Fine, then." Granny waved her hand, and a large eagle flew down. Large is merely a description; Lancre eagles tend to defy any words further. While gigantic _could_ potentially be substituted, or possibly even _enormous_ they somehow failed to completely capture the situation. The fact that this one arrived carrying a screaming, squirming man seemed of little consequence.

"You might have considered letting him go, first." Granny admonished. "I don't think you're part of the game, Hodgesarrgh."

"Sorry." Hodgesarrgh[9] extricated himself from the eagle's clutches. He'd claim it back later when Granny was done. What she wanted one of his eagles for was none of his business, and he doubted anyone else would be stupid enough to try and take it on the way back.

Seto stared at the eagle, trying to place it. _Skull Redbird?_ No this thing looked far scruffier and nastier than that. "Is that in attack or defence mode, madam?"

"You'll have to ask it, not me." Granny responded with a tight smile.

_Oh dear._ This wasn't quite turning out how Seto had imagined. And it was only the first play. "Well are you going to attack?"

Granny said nothing. The eagle, however took off with a horrifying scream. Seto almost allowed himself a smile of victory before he realised that the creature was just getting altitude for a fast dive. Claws extended, the bird smashed into Ryu-Kishin Powered as though the monster were made of papier-mâché.

"Oh, dear. It seems your creature is having a little trouble." Ryu-Kishin Powered wriggled futilely as the eagle began to tear pieces off. Seto stared in horror. Most battles weren't this horrifically realistic. Catching himself, he snarled. He wouldn't let this old bat get the better of him! He pulled another card out of his deck and smiled.

"I summon X-Head Dragon in Attack Mode!" A creature that looked like a cross between a jet plane and a dragon appeared before him. "Destroy the…" he paused, not knowing the 'monster's' name. "That eagle!"

X-Head fired at the eagle, which took off again, heading – Seto presumed – for safety. Oh well, retreat was as good as surrender.

"My, we are clever." Granny spoke with such mildness that it was clear that she was impressed. Slightly. Dragons weren't common on the Disc, they'd left long ago. "I think I'll call…" a slow smile spread across her lips. "Something."

_Probably her equivalent of placing a card face down._ Seto didn't worry, mystery was all part of the game. However, no sense wasting X-Head just yet, if she had a trap in mind. Especially since… he pulled a card from his deck, stared at it. This was too good. "I play one card, face down, in attack mode." No sense letting her know what he was up to.

Granny nodded. "Go ahead."

_What, no move?_ This old woman was either stupider, or trickier than he'd thought. He pulled his next card. _Holy…_ the witch was dead now, unless she had a seriously powerful trap waiting. No way she could be prepared for this.

"I summon Y-Head Dragon, which when combined with X-Head Dragon Cannon and Z-Head Tank," he flipped over his hidden card, "creates XYZ Dragon Cannon, with 2800 attack points."

Granny smiled. "Come on out, boys." A scream erupted from the woods as nearly a hundred tiny men came charging out of the undergrowth. Their hair was red, and their bodies were so heavily tattooed that they appeared entirely blue. "I think the Pictsies might be interested in him."

The pictsies swarmed the hapless dragon, scrambling up onto each of the heads, tying down the wings, binding the mouths shut, and then – inexplicably – headbutting the poor creature. Then four – Seto counted, only _four_ – of them lifted the dragon from underneath and ran off with it. How the… she couldn't do that… no way could a little… It was like Yugi's trick with Kuriboh. Little…

And now he was left with no monsters on the field. His only comfort was in the fact that hers seemed to have left too, after claiming their prize.

Seto pulled a card, fumed. A trap card, a simple dispel. Oh, well. He slid it into place anyway. She might try using magic at some point [10]. "Your turn, madam."

Granny stared at him, said nothing. Then it began, a low tuneless humming that grated on the nerves. Broken only by the occasional 'tch, tch, tch.' It was enough to drive a man mad. Then… was she cleaning her ear? She'd just inserted her pinky finger into her ear and was twisting it around…

Seto bit down hard on his lip, trying not to say anything. He was used to a fast moving game; he was used to people who could make decisions. Sharp white teeth cut into skin, a small solitary drop of blood welled to the surface.

The world sighed, the trees slowly began to creep forward. Granny nodded her head once, a gesture of respect.

"Well played."

For Seto it took a moment to realise he had lost. Not due to weaker play, or the luck of the cards but… _"First to bleed or beg for mercy wins_._"_ She beat him at his _best_ game, the head game. How…

Nanny came over, patted him consolingly on the arm. "Don't worry about it, young man. You just need a little more practice."

Footnotes:

[1] Especially not into strange locations. In the woods. Without a skyscraper in sight. Someone was going to pay for this. With interest.

[2] Because, though by definition witches are all leaders and no followers, with maiden and mother already spoken for, Esme Weatherwax found herself forced into the position known as 'the other one'. Also, while technically leaderless, witches do recognise the voice of absolute authority when they hear it. At which point they agree that it was their idea too, so we might as well carry it out.

[3] Even Seto had to figure it out eventually. He just didn't know he had.

[4] Witches don't believe in gods, they see too much of them. However, the words went along the lines of "Granny, please don't do anything stupid. Please, please, please, don't do anything stupid, Granny." Agnes knew stupid when she said it, but felt she should grovel for Seto anyway.

[5] Well, Yugi, but that was only a matter of time.

[6] Fortunately he didn't say 'Magic and Wizards'. Granny liked wizards and their magic even less than she liked losing. Which was to say, not at all.

[7] Or at least his lips curved.

[8] This is because the magic in Lancre tends to be quite dense. Which is why an experienced Lancre witch is very, very careful when she crafts her spells. She doesn't want them to be misunderstood.

[9] Hodgesarrgh acquired his name due to his position as Lancre's Royal Falconer. His birds loved him, often for breakfast. When someone asked his name, the usual response was "It's HodgesARRGH…" He was generally forgiven his bluntness and lack of manners.

[10] What Seto failed to grasp was that up until this point Granny had _only_ used magic. It's all in your point of view.


End file.
